Are you there, God? It’s me, Donald.
Sorry, it’s been a while, but I’m desperate. I can’t believe it’s come to this. The events leading up to today have been plentiful and ugly, like most of the MAGA women on my campaign trail. I am having difficulty accepting what life will be like for me soon. Especially if Laffin’ Kamala beats me in the presidential election.
I cannot lose to a woman, I just can’t. It doesn’t align with my personal philosophy. I refuse to be a loser like the rest of society. Especially those mouth-breathing idiots who support me. But thank fuck they do, lawyer fees aren’t cheap.
I pretend that I like them. That I’m one of them, and that I care about their well-being and safety. You and I both know that’s bullshit, God. Survival of the fittest is the only way to do business and live life. Of course, I don’t let them know that.
God, you know I play my hand close to me. I don’t reveal my cards until the time is right. Most people never know what hits them. I haven’t gotten where I am in life by playing by the rules, like the Average Joes of society.
Sure, here I am on my knees, like horse-faced Stormy on our first date. That only cost my campaign donors $130,000. A steal. And you know I’d know, too. I’ve been with thousands of women, beautiful women. The best-looking women money can buy. The youngest, too. Thanks, Jeffrey.
But here I am in prayer. It’s been a while, I almost forgot how to do it. My father, Führer Fred, made us go to church when we were young. I hated it. Though I did learn how to steal from the collection plate, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.
But God, I gotta say, what was with all of the socialist bullshit back in your day? Those liberal douchebags are still trying to house the poor, feed the hungry, and care for the sick. Our country is going to run out of resources if we try to be everything to everyone. America first, Baby.
I’m an ideas man, God. I come up with grifts and cons for the sake of the most important people on the planet: The rich. The industry leaders. The people with a vision and the balls to make it happen. Specifically, for me. Personal enrichment ensures that I can do away with democracy and run things the way I see fit.
Playing by the rules is for suckers. That’s why I unfairly stacked the Supreme Court with the biggest conservative, religious dickweeds on the planet. No offense about religion, God. But you have to be yugely ignorant to fall for that crap. A stable genius like myself would never fall for it.
Though I do like the idea of healing. This syphilis is really starting to affect me. I’m snorting Adderall three times a day and these herpes aren’t going to cure themselves. If you don’t mind doing a little of that Sky-Daddy voodoo on my satchel, I’d be eternally grateful.
I know I have no one to blame but myself for this. But Jeff Epstein’s Pleasure Island was good to me. Image a buffet like Golden Corral, God. But instead of pasta, shrimp, and roast beef, it’s fresh tuna. You know what I mean, right? Jeffy assured me that all the girls were of legal age and had IDs that appeared to be valid at first glance.
You created women, God. It seems like it would be a sin not to sample the pleasures you’ve put here on Earth for us. Stimulating the economy and my package at the same time is a win-win.
But what’s with the three-inch pecker you cursed me with, God? People wonder why I’m so angry and have to buy ass with campaign funds. It’s very unfair to be six foot 3 inches and have three of those inches in my underwear. So heal this problem for me, would ya, God? We must, we must, we must increase these nuts!
Sorry, didn’t mean to yell. I’m just so fed up with the constant bashing of me and the MAGA movement. I think it’s so unfair that I’m now a 34-time convicted felon. Sure, I did all of those illegal things, but it was for a good cause: ME. An enriched Trump is a powerful Trump. People want to support a successful, powerful man, not some loser like Sleepy Joe who quit the race because Lyin’ Kamala had a better chance to win. Yeah right, she can’t even tell us if she’s black or Indian.
This is why I come to you today, God. I need to win this election, pardon myself as President, and retain ownership of Trump Tower. I cannot have my assets sold to the highest bidder. A man of my stature doesn’t deserve such a horrible witch-hunt happening to him. Yes, I am guilty in the E. Jean Carroll case. Between us, I’ll admit that. But the people don’t believe a commoner’s story over mine.
The courtroom may have, but my fans never will. I could shoot somebody in the middle of 5th Avenue and I wouldn’t lose voters. I actually said that. I could dropkick a baby from the top of Trump Tower and get away with it. Or at least tie up the criminal case in court for years. I wouldn’t do that, but God, just know that I could.
This is why I need your help. The people need a champion, a hero. They’ve made me the Chosen One. Some say that I’m bigger than Jesus. That fella from The Beatles said that, but obviously, he was wrong. I remember when he was killed. I’ve had two close calls in the past ten weeks. Worst MAGA supporters, EVER.
Don’t let that happen to me, God. The world needs me to make America great again. I can’t do that from behind bars. I won’t be the god-like Aryan people’s champion if I’m living in government-subsidized housing or prison.
I’m calling on your Prayer Warriors, God. I need you to intercede on my behalf to get these tightwad donors to cough up a half billion in a week like Kamala’s supporters did. Please don’t make me sell my big, beautiful building, my golden toilet, or any of my truly fabulous possessions.
It would be a sin to have to sell off Mar-a-Lago or Trump National Golf Club Bedminster. My children’s mother is buried there, near the 1st tee box. That seems unfair, not only to Ivanna but to me. I roll my golf cart over her plot for luck before every round. I can’t shoot a 62 without her.
Well, God, I’ve pled my case before you. This was good practice, it’s going to be a busy year in court if I lose this election. If you get me out of this bullshit, I promise to consider going back to church and perhaps keeping a Trump-edition Bible instead of my copy of Mein Kampf on my nightstand. I sell those for $60, you know. The Bible, not the Nazi playbook.
They treated Hitler yugely unfairly, too. He did a lot of great things for Germany, economically speaking. Sure, he took it too far with that genocide thing. But I’ll take the good parts of his book and do the white things for America if I win in 2024.
Your Presidential Pal,
Little Donnie Trump
© 2024 Jason Provencio. All rights reserved.
Maybe a similar invocation to the 666 angel would be a good thing to do right about now in case God is too busy. Some should write the words for me….
I always knew it was 3 inches
🥕 HA!!