Childhood Torture Devices We Were Lucky to Survive
Childhood Torture Devices We Were Lucky to Survive
Our 80s Asses Barely Made It Out Alive
When I think back to my childhood, I’m often reminded of just how dangerous certain things were. As a child of the 80s, I’m somewhat impressed that I still have all four of my limbs and every finger and toe I was born with.
We were surrounded by instruments of death constantly. There were so many things that we played with growing up that were really dangerous. They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. We should all be some pretty tough adults, then.
Here are some things that I have difficulty believing we survived being around as children. Check this short list out and tell me if you remember any of these. I’d also love to hear some of the others you remember, as well.
Hair Ties With Hard Plastic Balls
This first one didn’t affect me directly, as a young boy growing up in the 70s to 80s. But I sure saw the carnage they did to little girls, several times. Mothers would generally twist these as tightly to secure their young daughters’ hair in place for as long as possible.
Because they’d want them to stay in for hopefully an entire school day (yeah right!), they’d twist these far too tightly. Anyone who’s ever had a small child should realize the squirminess factor and lack of patience a young kid has.
These bad boys would put a dent in your skull the size of a dime. Once you stopped wailing from the cranial torture, you had a dent in your head the size of a golf divot. FORE!
The Spinning Wheel of Death
Just about every playground I remember playing on had one of these. Some were smaller like this one, and others were larger and held more children. One thing was certain: You were likely to die if shit got out of control.
Assuming that children had even a shred of self-control and common sense, these would have been just fine to play on. I’m assuming the engineers who came up with the design on these must have been adults with no children. Anyone who’s been around a small child for more than five minutes knows their propensity for making bad decisions.
We’d load as many kids as possible onto this thing and then get even more kids to push it while running at top speed. If you went too fast, you’d miss your opportunity to safely jump on and would get dragged underneath it to your doom.
The kids who started on it would hold on for dear life while waging a war with centrifugal force, who would always win. By the time the Spinning Wheel of Death finally came to a slow stop, the playground looked like a Civil War battlefield, minutes after the end of the battle.
Lego Landmines
Legos are one of the most creative, popular toys of all time. They are also designed to maim, cripple, and destroy feet. And the bitch of it is, it’s not small children that it hurts the most. It’s their parents.
Because most small children tend to be lighter, it’s not nearly as painful to step on these with much force. And being their tiny little feet take up less area, they can easily maneuver around these sharp, ridged, blocks of hard plastic. That’s why they leave them scattered all over their rooms.
I was five foot eleven and weighed around 200 lbs when my kids were into Legos. Though I encouraged (yelled at) them to keep their rooms clean, invariably, they’d miss a few details and sure as hell, I’d step on a rogue Lego. I’m certain that this is where they likely learned the word “MOTHERFUCKER!” for the first time.
Sheet Metal and Plastic Slides
Playground slides were one of the most fun playground options ever. There was often a line to even get on these thrilling, short-lived rides. For the life of me, I cannot understand why, now that I’m an adult.
This was yet another playground feature that had to be designed by engineers without children of their own. And hey, when it’s 100 degrees outside, why not make them out of SHEET METAL? What the shit?
In the 70s to 80s, young children’s summer fashions dictated shorter shorts. This ensured that not only would we burn our legs sliding down Satan’s Slide, but also a high likelihood of melted butt cheeks. I can’t believe we didn’t stick to the slide like burnt pancakes.
And don’t get me started on that plastic bastard on the right, there. McDonald’s was famous for having a similar model at most of their playground locations. I once got a static pop so violently, that it opened a wound on my leg. I heard the crack of the static electricity and saw blood by the time I reached the bottom of the slide.
Yet Somehow, We All Survived
Growing up in the 80s was a blast. Even though we had to maneuver around some of these dangerous products and occasionally were victimized by them, we still had quite a few wonderful memories.
Though it seems funny to think back to a time when certain toys, products, and playground equipment were fairly dangerous, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. It was part of who we were as 80s kids, and the adults we turned out to be.
Except for those fucked up spiked bike pedals. Those made ZERO sense. I did not need cheese graters on my pedals. Whoever invented that product and attached it to every bike in America is laughing at our scarred shins from Hell right now.
© 2024 Jason Provencio. All rights reserved.
Lawn darts. We army brats also liked to play, "rock over the house" when someone moved out of the base house, which happened often. The object was not to be hit by the rock thrown over the roof by the opposing side. Everyone scattered if a window in the house was broken. So fun.
Jungle gym. Broken teeth, broken bones, fun times