I Can't Believe It's Not MAGA: Patriotism for Dummies
My New Novel is a Must-Have Book for the Trumpers in Your Life
Good morning fans, followers, and foes! I’m here today to pitch my new book I’ve been working on. I think most of you will love it. I’m bracing for a little hate on this one, assuming the haters can read above a third-grade level. I don’t wish to offend, after all.
Just kidding. I don’t actually give a fuck about who I offend. Come on, y’all know me better than that.
I’ve been working on my new book, I Can’t Believe it’s Not MAGA: Patriotism for Dummies. This one is sure to become the nation’s latest New York Times Best Seller, just in time for election season. Even if it doesn’t make the NYT list, it should do well in Texas, Florida, the Deep South, and other red states. Anywhere you find voter suppression and pregnant 12-year-old girls being forced to give birth.
Why? Because people love America. And patriotism. They’re just mixed up about what the actual definition of patriotism is. Sound it out, Cletus. Perhaps the digital download with an audible reader, if reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit.
Ask your local college student to help you download it to your phone. I’m sure there’s at least one in your area who comes home during summer from being indoctrinated at an out-of-state higher education institution. Try that in a small town.
Without further ado, let’s highlight a few of the chapters and passages from my sure-fire hit book. I’m going to teach you how to bleed red, white, and blue. You won’t even have to blow off your fingers with an M-80 while shit-faced drunk the next 4th of July. Here we go!
Patriotism is for Everyone, Not Just White People
Our country was founded and built on the principles of freedom and justice. And also on the backs of forced slave labor. Fortunately, slavery was outlawed almost 160 years ago, though lawmakers in Alabama and Mississippi are looking into loopholes in the law for it to make a comeback.
“The South will rise again!” Well sure, for biscuits and gravy every morning. There’s nothing more ‘Murican about breakfast than bacon, eggs, and an AR-15 being strapped to you at the table. Other than actually supporting liberty and justice for ALL, as stated in the Pledge of Allegiance.
So calm down, Gravy Seals. There will be no Civil War Two, Electric Boogaloo, there’s no need to deploy over at the Waffle House. Be kind to people of different ethnicities. Talk to an immigrant and stop tripping balls about people coming to our country to better their lives. After all, your ancestors did it at some point.
Rapists Shouldn’t Get to Choose the Mother of Their Babies
Pro-lifers aren’t just content with not choosing abortion for themselves. They feel the need to dictate to women what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. They want to force women to give birth even when they become impregnated through rape.
A rapist should not be allowed to choose the mother of their baby. I can’t believe I even have to fucking say this. Intelligence, common sense, and empathy should make this quite clear. Sadly, many conservative Christian MAGA voters lack all three of those characteristics.
And don’t get me started about birth control, IVF, and the morning-after pill. White, elderly, male lawmakers want to see these options banned and want to restrict women from being able to travel to receive proper reproductive care. It’s disgusting and completely unpatriotic. Women are not your broodmares, and this isn’t goddamn Gilead. Yet.
Donald Trump is a Criminal and a Sex Offender, Not a Hero
Presidents should not be worshipped. They are not gods, rock stars, or even Taylor Swift. Especially ones who have committed treason after losing a presidential election and inciting an insurrection that killed five people. Not to mention the four officers who died by suicide within 7 months of the event. Blue lives matter, don’t they?
Making fun of disabled reporters, using racist, bigoted rhetoric, and saying that immigrants are poisoning the blood of America is deplorable. The Mango Mussolini says similar things as the man whose biography he keeps on his bedroom nightstand, Adolf Hitler. Ask a WW2 veteran who fought against actual Nazis in Europe what he thinks of Captain Bonespurs. It’s not favorable.
For the political party that says they’re all about law and order, it’s baffling that the MAGA crowd clings to a convicted sex offender and a 34-time felon. That’s as un-American as it gets. If you’re a true patriot, you’d have nothing to do with an ignorant, lawbreaking, entitled asswipe like Donald Trump.
LGBTQ People Exist and Deserve Your Respect
Some Christians choose to misinterpret their Bible and demonize an entire segment of society. There are a record number of anti-LGBTQ laws being passed in 2024 America. Trans citizens are especially being targeted.
Calling people of differing sexual orientations groomers and pedophiles is not only ignorant but disgusting. It’s especially hypocritical when a larger percentage of sexual deviants, child molesters, and rapists are hiding in plain sight, within churches and religious organizations.
Real patriots don’t attempt to ban books or prevent teachers and students from being who they are as people. Just as you knew you liked little girls or boys as a kid, so did LGBTQ children and teens. Teachers are not turning your children gay, or giving them gender-changing operations at school, as Trump bizarrely claimed recently. Stop persecuting people because of who they love.
Keep Your Religious Beliefs Out of Our Government
Many so-called patriots say that America is a Christian nation. This is absolutely false. As much as they’d like for this to be the truth, it isn’t. There is no mention of God or the Bible in the US Constitution. We are a nation that was founded on the idea of a separation of church and state.
We have the freedom of religion and the freedom to be protected from religion. It’s ok to practice your religion, but not ok for you to push it on unwilling participants. It’s kind of like having a big dick: You can be proud of it. You can enjoy it. But when you start shoving it in the faces of unwilling participants, that’s a big problem.
Be secure enough in your beliefs to stop trying to insert them into the law. A real patriot knows that without the freedom of religion for all religions, there is no actual freedom. We all have the right to our own religious beliefs. Don’t weaponize yours against your fellow Americans.
I’m not sure when I’ll actually write this book, but it’s long overdue. Expanding on these ideas would exemplify what actual patriots are. I also want to take our American flag back and not see it flying two or three at a time on the back of a jacked-up giant pickup with swinging truck nuts on the bumper.
MAGA, please read my book. You desperately need some guidance as to what American principles and patriotism are all about. By being stubborn, angry, bigoted, and racist, you’re making our country look trashy. We must push equality and freedom for all to truly make America great.
© 2024 Jason Provencio. All rights reserved.
Hilarious! I was looking to order it! I'm so glad we have you to "interpret."
My sentiments exactly. "Big debate" tonight. Stay blue 🔵🔵.