I Was a Contestant on Substack's New Game Show
Surely I'd Win All of the Cash and Prizes, Right?
Well, it was bound to happen. In a quest to make even more money, Substack has recently created a game show to go along with its writing platform. And I was invited to be a contestant on the premiere episode. With this hair, do you blame ‘em?
While many of the writers here on our platform are friendly and encouraging, I’ve also seen quite a bit of snarkiness and argumentative behavior. This makes for interesting television. Every TV show gets higher ratings from a little drama. Bring it, let’s do this shit.
A game show version of Substack is certainly an interesting concept. It would be badass if they picked three random writers each day to compete for extra money or additional paid subscribers. It could air right after Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Here’s a humorous view of that first episode starring yours truly and two other SS writers.
“Contestant Number One is a college student, studying for her degree in American literature. She’s been writing fiction and poetry since she was 5 years old. Please welcome, Andi Taylor!”
*The crowd erupts, and the fandom has begun.
“Contestant Number Two is a senior citizen with over 50 years of writing experience. He’s traveled the world and has been a photojournalist during two military conflicts and one war. Please welcome Scooter Bradbury!”
*Even larger crowd noise, the studio audience starts doing the wave for the old codger with a walking cane and a fancy camera around his neck.
“Contestant Number Three started writing on Substack two months ago. He has wonderful hair and is a legend in his own mind. Please welcome Jason Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Provencio!”
Dead silence, not a fan in the building. Whatever. Screw these people. I watched The Price is Right every sick day I took off from school as a kid. I’m going to WIN.
“Good evening! I’m Twink Fartingdale, host of Who Wants to Be a Substack Superstar? I’d like to welcome these three talented writers to our show. Contestant Number One, welcome Andi! Tell us a bit about Andi Taylor, if you would.”
Bubbly Andi: “Well Twink, I’m a college student, a member of Phi Beta Insta, and have a social media following of over a half million middle-aged perverts. I’ve been writing stories about unicorns and puppies since I was FIVE YEARS OLD. I know my pretty avatar picture will take me far as a Substack writer!”
Twink chuckles and says, “Great introduction, Andi! You’re going to go far as a writer. Let’s see if our show can help you build a larger paid following!”
Andi: “Thank you, Twink! That’s really what’s most important to me. Being an influencer. Oh, and a writer! Tee hee!”
Twink continued: “Contestant Number Two…”
*Andi explodes with laughter
“You good, Andi?”, Twink asks.
Andi goes bug-eyed and appears embarrassed. “I’m SO SORRY, Twink! You said ‘Contestant Number Two’. You know, like NUMBER TWO? That was just really funny.”
Twink, Scooter, and I look at Andi, then each other with our mouths slightly open. Dumbfounded is the word I’m looking for. Scooter and I give each other a look that says, “I don’t think her elevator goes to the top floor.”
Twink shakes it off like the professional he is. “Ok, so Scooter, tell us a bit about yourself. I hear you’re quite the photographer. You’ve covered the Gulf War, in fact?”
Scooter stares past the camera, his eyes suddenly having a dead look to them. Like when the flame on your cigarette lighter is seconds from running out.
“Death changes a man, Twink. War is the only constant in this ever-spinning world we live in. I take the pictures and write the prose to fill in the gaps between birth and death…”
This time it’s only Twink and me who are dumbfounded. Andi is just dumb. She’s smiling to herself, daydreaming about puppies, kitties, and drinking Fireball at the post-gameshow party she’s throwing at her sorority later.
“Uh, thank you, Scooter. We appreciate your service, um let’s move on to Contestant Number Three!” Twink keeps this trainwreck of an episode from derailing, at least for now. “Tell us something about yourself, Jason.”
“Well, I’ve been a professional writer since January 2022. I write about many topics and try to infuse humor into most of them. I’ve gained 30 paid subscribers here on Substack in two months, but there’s always room for more. And this hair is naturally wavy. Thank you, Twink!”
Twink looks relieved to have at least one decent contestant on this episode. Maybe this won’t be the Hell he pictured in his head while sipping from his flask during hair and makeup an hour ago. *shudder
After reminding the studio audience and the contestants of the rules, it’s time to start the game. Twink says, “Ok Andi, pick a category to start us off.”
Andi sounds out the words to the categories on the board. She finally settles on, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Viral”. Twink explains the category to her and uses a couple of puppets, which helps Andi comprehend it better.
“As writers, we’ve all written a piece that we were CERTAIN would take off in a huge way, earning us many new subscribers instead of the sound of crickets chirping. Briefly discuss an instance where your article underperformed and fizzled out like a fart in the wind.”
After containing her laughter over the word fart, and carefully thinking about her response (I could see smoke coming from her ears), Andi answered Twink:
“Well… I did write a piece a month or so ago about being a strong woman. People LOVE inspirational writing, and as a woman, I know how needed articles are that portray women in a strong narrative. So I wrote, “Why it’s Important to Do Your Kegels”. You have to have strong pelvic control in life. I think Prince wrote a song about this, in fact.”
Oh my god, she just referenced the song “Pussy Control”, by Prince on national TV. I couldn’t believe my luck. Looks like it’s just between you and me, Scoot.
She continued: “But yes, you have to be able to control yourself when working out. Working out is SOOOOOO important. If you’re not hot, what’s the point? You can’t be a trophy wife looking like a dumpster fire.”
“An ill-timed queef or blasting of ass during Cross Fit or yoga can ruin your reputation of being a strong woman. I was shocked when this article got ZERO hearts or comments.” She looked as though she was about to cry.
Twink was right there for the save. He gave her a big hug and told her it was going to be ok. Such a Richard Dawson move, right there, Twink. I see what you’re up to, Captain Handsy.
Twink casually adjusts the southern region of his finely tailored suit after comforting Andi and moves on.
“Scooter, your choice. Pick a category, please.”
Scooter snaps awake after hearing his voice. “WHAT! Where? Over in that clearing? COVER ME, I’M GOING IN FOR THE PHOTO!”
Twink: “Uh Scooter, we need you to pick a category.”
Scooter refocuses and says, “Oh. After a lengthy, uncomfortable pause, he chooses “Overrated Substack Writers”.
Twink reads the category card: “Tell us and the studio audience about a well-known Substack writer who is beloved to most others, but you can’t stand, and why.”
Scooter’s eyes reduce to slits. “Oh, I’ve got one, all right. That Tim Denning fella. That skinny little Aussie prick has two things going for him: 125,000 subscribers and great titles.”
Twink: “Uh, Scooter, I don’t think you can say ‘prick’ on TV…”
Scooter wasn’t having it. “P.R.I.C.K. What’s he got that I haven’t got? Has he seen war? Has he laid underneath corpses to avoid capture by the enemy? He’s as big of a hack as that Warhol fella. Painting pictures of soup cans. Get fucked, Andy.”
“OK, thank you, Scooter. Moving right along… Contestant Number Three, Jason. Please explain your ‘Writer’s Process’ when coming up with ideas and writing them.”
Oh yeah, I’ve got this…
“Well Twink, the writer’s process is not an easy one. It’s sometimes easy to think of a topic and just GO. However, oftentimes it takes a bit of lube to grease up the genitals of creativity if you catch my drift. You can’t just start dry-humping your story or article. One has to make sweet, sweet, Substack love to your audience, through your gift of words and prose.”
I continued to the sound of dead silence. “Just like in many a romantic evening, one should be properly inebriated so that the honesty and desire shine through your writing. I’m a cabernet man, myself. A couple of goblets of red, and I’m using my fingers on the keyboard faster than Eddie Van Halen on a guitar solo, as well as on the groupie after the show. I ‘Jump’ into action and show everyone what I’m made of.”
Twink interrupted my answer, “Uh, ok. That’s good enough…”
“Hold up, Fake-ass Doug Llewelyn. You did not ask my permission to cut me off. My hair is like 100 times better than yours. Judge ‘Wop-ner’ here isn’t finished. Never interrupt an Italian man who’s on a rant.”
“Now, where was I? Ah yes. Getting the writing vibe going. If the vino isn’t enough, I’ll roll a joint and smoke that shit while the ideas suddenly fill my brain. Those couple of strategies are enough to write a well-earning article.”
Twink had a look of astonishment. “Is that your FINAL answer?”, he asks.
I gave him a cheeky look back, and with a Twink-le in my eye, I knew not to Press My Luck.
“I was just teasing, y’all. I’m a good Christian man who loves God, Guns, and ‘Murica”. I just ask the Lord Jesus Christ who’s my personal savior for the inspiration to write, and he never has forsaken me. Praise be.”
I close my eyes, reach for the sky with my hands uplifted toward Heaven, and the crowd goes nuts. It’s been decided. I am their American, Christian champion. Show me your cash and prizes, Substack.
© 2024 Jason Provencio. All rights reserved.
I died at twink fartingdale.
You're a totally crazy wild dude 😎 what have you been smoking?
Welcome to the Jungle and moving your fingers on the keyboard faster than Eddie Van Halen and Judge Wapner. And is that Rusty? I can just imagine how loud you laugh while you're writing all this hilarity. Hallelujah and Amen indeed. 😜