Christians: Grandma is Watching You Diddle Yourself
She’s Spying on You From Heaven and Isn’t Pleased
I admire legit Christians. The ones that truly are wonderful toward all human beings regardless of race, sexual orientation, or differing religion. Those who don’t weaponize the Bible against other humans and follow the teachings of Jesus are all ok in my book.
But I have to wonder about those who take things so literally. I have immediate family who accept the Bible as a word-for-word playbook about all aspects of life. It has never occurred to them that their holy book is a work of fiction, something that is supposed to teach lessons about life through parables.
So how do they justify doing some of the things they do if Jesus and relatives who have passed are constantly watching from Heaven? Namely, masturbation? Are you really going to treat your body like an amusement park with Jesus and Grandma both watching?
I don’t have a problem with masturbation. my philosophy is, “Hey, you do you.” However you do it is your business. As long as you’re not standing outside my bedroom window when you do it, go to (down)town. Use those toys or watch your videos. I don’t kink-shame.
But if you’re a legalistic believer, and I’m talking about the type that takes everything the Bible says literally, how do you manage to get yourself off? It seems as though you’d be worried about Jesus watching you juggling your cash and prizes, or double-clicking your mouse. Seems as though it would kill the mood, even with the lights dim and Barry White playing softly in the background.
I’m assuming that being under a sheet, three comforters, and a quilt wouldn’t stop Jesus from casually observing the genital-election that you’re voting in more than once. He’s not going to stop the steal. If Superman has X-ray vision, I have to assume Jesus has XXX-Blu-Ray, 4K HD eyesight. No Lasik required. Bottom line: He knows what you’re up to.
Grandma, perhaps a different story. A lot of grandmas have poor vision. Whether it’s cataracts, glaucoma, or the need for bifocals, she may not be able to tell what’s going on down south. Meaning, on Planet Earth, not in your southern hemisphere.
Though I’d like to think that Jesus would be a good enough fella to restore Granny’s once-20/20 vision upon her arrival to Heaven. After all, he anointed the eyes of the blind man with clay and spittle, according to the Bible. Restoring his vision was one of several miracles he performed in the Bible:
Jesus: *HOCK-TUAH!
Blind man: “Can somebody tell me what Jesus is doing? That doesn’t sound good.”
Jesus: “HERE’S MUD IN YOUR EYE(s)!”
Blind Man: “What the Heaven?”
Jesus: “Yeah, you might want to wash that holy loogie off. Go to the Pool of Siloam.”
Blind Man: “I can see! Praise Be!”
So yes, Grandma probably is watching you arm-wrestle with Cyclops. Put that trouser snake down and think it over the next time you feel horny. And think of an answer to this question during your “down-time”:
Is the Bible meant to be taken so literally? Or could it be possible that it’s a bunch of parables to teach people how to treat each other with kindness and respect? ALL people. Not just the ones who believe the same things you do.
If this idea angers you, think about why that is. Chances are, you’re Bibleing wrong. Weaponizing the holy book that you believe has been sent down from Jesus to man without having been changed in any way, shape, or form isn’t best practice, or at all likely.
Man has certainly changed the Bible over thousands of years to fit his selfish agenda. With greed, hatred, discrimination, and the thirst to control mankind, parts of it must have been erased from existence. Other parts were edited and changed to fit the narrative of the time.
Again, assuming that you feel that this is a lie from the Devil or his many evil co-conspirators here on Earth, how do you deal with the guilt of Jesus and Granny watching you do the Dirty Diddle Dance to yourself? Do you justify it by saying that we’ve all sinned and come short of the glory of God? Yet you keep doing it without a second thought, because, hey, forgiveness, AMIRITE?
If so, then how about offering up some of that forgiveness for the ones you judge and continue to hate? If you’re allowed a free pass for taking a little free ass from yourself, what about your gay neighbor? Don’t they deserve that same respect? How about for women who are facing their most difficult set of circumstances with an unplanned pregnancy? Or your Muslim neighbor who has a different set of religious beliefs than you do?
Jesus once said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” when a large crowd of unruly, judgmental people wanted to stone a woman who had committed adultery. One by one, each person in the crowd left, rather than wanting to be hypocritical, since all had sinned during their lifetimes. He was left alone with the woman.
He then asked her, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one attempt to condemn you?” She answered, “No.” Then he said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
Therein lies the biggest difference between legitimate Christian folks and those who are Christian in name only: One set of believers take the teachings of Jesus seriously. They are more able to realize the lessons of Christ, figure out the parables of the Bible, and relate them to real-life situations. They treat others with kindness and respect because of this.
The ones who believe the Bible as gospel truth are the ones who are lost. They weaponize their views and turn them against others, even though they are told not to judge others, lest they be judged themselves. And they are judged, by many who are not into hypocrisy, racism, bigotry, sexism, and homophobia.
You do not get to pick and choose the parts of the Bible you enjoy and ignore the rest of it without being judged for that kind of ignorance. Now give your genitals the day off and repent. Or admit that you don’t actually believe that Jesus and Grandma are watching you give yourself a hand.
© 2024 Jason Provencio. All rights reserved.
Former Catholic here. Laughed all the way through—before I cried. BTW, there’s a lost Gospel just found that corrected that old Jesus story: “ Jesus once said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” when a large crowd of unruly, judgmental people wanted to stone a woman who had committed adultery. One by one, each person in the crowd started to leave when an old woman from the back raced to the front and started pelting the adulteress with stones. Jesus, who had been looking down drawing random stick figures in the sand look up and in disgust said: “MOM! If I told you once I’ve told you a thousand times to STOP following me around when I preach!”
Did I say I was a former Catholic?
Chris Rock in “Dogma”: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.