Depending on who you ask, rumor had it that the rapture was supposed to have taken place four days ago. I tried Googling it for the exact time it was supposed to happen, but all I found were Reddit posts about it that were likely written in Moms’ basements all over the Deep South, the Bible Belt, Florida, Texas, and other red states.
There seems to be no way to pinpoint the exact time. Which comes as no surprise to me, honestly. They’ve been saying this shit for decades. I can remember singing this song in my father’s churches he pastored back when I was in grade school:
“Jesus is coming soon… Although we don’t know when. The countdown’s getting closer every dayyyyyyyyy…”
Yep, between this little ditty and hearing my father and other pastors talk about how we’re in “The End Times”, I figured I was due to be sucked up into the sky at any moment. As a young child, It was pretty scary to think about. What if I’m in the middle of clobbering my brother during one of my impatient, bad moments and suddenly THAT’S when Jesus calls his people home?
Worse yet, what if Jesus calling his saints home happened at night? Between the ages of 12 to around 21, there was a good chance I might be caught red-handed sinning in bed. Evidently, God doesn’t approve of you treating your body like a Golden Corral buffet. That would be an embarrassing moment to be raptured.
*Zipping up into the sky.
Jesus: “WELCOME, ALL OF MY SAINTS.”
Random Christian: “Jesus! That 13-year-old kid with the big nose is pitching a pants-tent!”
Jesus, pointing at my crotch: “SINNER!” *Flips my gravity switch on, nerdy Italian kid plummets to Hell.
Christ, that was enough to make me lose wood, most nights. Well, almost.
“I can’t risk eternal hell and damnation just because I saw Cindy Crawford in a bikini on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Hmmm. I wonder if it’s still a sin if you’re thinking about a blank piece of paper when you’re spanking your monkey?”
^^^^^^Shit that I actually used to wonder, as a teenage pervert.
I woke up the morning after this latest rapture date and my Bride was gone. Only Mooch and I were still in bed. That tracks. She’s a mean little prick at times to other dogs, small children, and even our children. Not all dogs go to Heaven, as you’ve been led to believe.
But then I realized something: My Bride is Buddhist. There’s no way she was raptured. Admittedly, she’s an amazing human being. Someone who loves all people regardless of their religion or orientation. Even though she’s a counselor who helps people with their mental health through therapy, she’s not going to Heaven. According to most Christians, without accepting Jesus as her savior, she’s doomed to burn to Hell.
Apparently, she’s not too concerned about this. She was up running in the foothills that morning rather than laying in bed being stressed out about the rapture. Mooch yawned next to me and did not seem all that concerned, either. That made three of us.
That’s because during my lifetime I’ve heard at least a couple of dozen times that the rapture was going to happen on such and such a date. When I was in grade school, hearing that shit used to stress me out. But the more often the next rapture date came and went, the less I bought into it.
I gave up on believing the rapture would happen during my lifetime. Or anyone else’s.
If you believe in Jesus and Satan as literal people or entities who still exist, whatever makes you happy, I guess. If you don’t accept them as parables and fictional characters who help guide you to treat all people with kindness and respect, that’s your right. But it’s also my right to laugh at this rapture bullshit.
Even if I’m completely wrong about the Lord calling his people home soon, with his loyal followers ascending through the sky and clouds, I do remember that Bible verse from Matthew 24:36. “But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.”
That would be enough for me to not risk Hell and eternal damnation, trying to be the one who predicts the rapture date. How cocky of us to think we know what God’s actual plan of action is regarding the End Times. Relax. If you’re confident in your beliefs, just wait for it to happen.
Stop trying to predict the rapture, Humanoids. Jesus does not appreciate being pressured or called out to deliver on his promise of eternal life on some random fuckwit’s timeline. With 8.1 billion people on this planet, 2.5 billion of which profess to be Christians, you bet your ass that SOMEONE predicts that the rapture is going to happen on any given day.
Perhaps that’s why I haven’t lived to see the Rapture, even though I’ve been hearing this crap for over 40 years now. God won’t push the button on it until people quit trying to contradict his word about no man knowing the time and date. Just to prove His almighty point.
Or, it could be that there is no Heaven, Hell, God, and Satan. Could it be that the Bible is a work of fiction? Stories and parables about how we should be living our lives as good human beings? Loving our neighbors as ourselves? Judging not, lest we be judged ourselves?
As a man of science and logic, I like the sound of that. But even if I’m wrong, I’ll wave to you as you go zipping through the sky, on your way to your reward in the sky. I’m the kind of person who can admit when he’s wrong. Hopefully, you are, too.
© 2024 Jason Provencio. All rights reserved.
To bastardize a quote from TFG, “I like people who weren’t raptured.”
Wouldn’t it be great if Jesus returned coming over the Mexican border?