Shove Your $100,000 Watch Up Your Ass, Trump
He Bitches About Grocery Prices While Selling Bullshit to MAGA
Attention MAGA minions and members of Cult 45:
Yeah, you. The one who subscribes to Donald Trump’s “Grift of the Month” club, boy, do we have a special offer for you! For the man of discerning taste, you’ll love this latest offer from Trump Enterprises. Grab your credit card, the one you pull cash from to send donation (lawyer) money to your Fluorescent Führer. You won’t want to miss this.
Introducing “Trump Timepieces.” A limited-edition series of watches. Limited, as in we’re only selling as many as mouth-breathing people with below-average intelligence agree to buy. As soon as orders stop coming in, we halt production of them in Taiwan.
Get yours before they’re gone forever. Or before Trump reports to prison after the 2024 presidential election. Whichever comes first.
You tried Trump steak and savored the taste of Freedom Meat, well done with ketchup. You drank Trump vodka and punched several holes in your drywall, thinking about woke liberals. You enrolled in Trump University and almost earned your degree in swamp-cooler maintenance.
Now you can have the perfect watch to match your plastic gold basketball shoes. We know you love bling. This watch will be perfect for showing Dems that you’re better than they are.
Ok, I’m done with this sales pitch. Though I try to find the humor in just about everything I can, this fuckery is getting ridiculous. Donald Trump is fleecing his MAGA followers with new, cheaply made, gaudy products. His followers eat that shit up and ask for seconds.
Sometimes, thirds. Fourths. I imagine some fuckwit owns his entire collection. Ridiculously laughable NFTs, depicting Trump as a superhero. Trump cologne, so you too can smell like an adjudicated rapist. The Billy Bass Trump fish, which sings the Pet Shop Boys song, “Opportunities.”
“I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the looks, let’s make lots of money…”
Though it could be argued that Trump is a shitty businessman. This has been evidenced by several bankruptcies during his career, failed ventures like his bankrupted casino, and running the country’s economy into the crapper during his presidency. Yet one thing remains clear:
Never underestimate the power of a cult leader taking all of his mindless followers’ money.
Trump’s tendency toward grabbing as much of his victims’ money as possible is only surpassed by his grabbing of America’s genitalia without consent. His constant raping and pillaging of his blindly loyal followers is difficult to watch, but easy to understand. I almost feel bad for them.
Almost.
The anger I feel toward Con-OLD daily is palpable. Somebody commented on one of my recent articles about Toupee Trump that I am letting my hatred of him blind me to the positive things he does for America. Yeah, that must be it.
It couldn’t be the literal law-breaking felonies and sexual abuse he’s been convicted of in the court of law that has me concerned, could it? It isn’t because he never shuts this mouth-anus while it spews the most loud-mouthed, angry, racist, bigoted shit, right? So forgive me if this latest $495 gold-plated watch for the commoners and the ridiculous $100,000 version for his white nationalist CEO friends angers me.
Where is Christopher Walken when you need him? I’d love to see his character from Pulp Fiction make Trump wear his stupid fucking Drumpf watch: “Up his ass.”
You heard that in his voice, I know you did.
For Christ’s sake, don’t be a sucker. Stop supporting a blatantly obvious con man and funding his ridiculous wealthy lifestyle. He doesn’t need you paying his exorbitant lawyer fees or fueling his jet to go on golf outings rather than campaigning like he should be doing.
He’s given up on winning the 2024 presidential election. He’s picking the bones dry of the MAGA movement and his supporters. He’s bleeding you all of whatever you have left to give him.
It’s always been about what Donald can do for Donald. He’ll tell his MAGA loyalists that he’s fighting for them. That America is a shithole and being overrun by immigrants who are “poisoning the blood of America.” Similar verbiage that Adolf Hitler used to use in his evil propaganda against the Jewish population that he attempted to eradicate during the Holocaust.
Never find that facts and statistics show that crime is down during President Joe Biden’s term in office. And that the economy has recovered and is thriving, with unemployment being far lower than when Trump held power. And that the stock market is much higher and more robust than when Donnie D-Cups was dicking around playing golf every day from 2017 until he started that insurrection.
Facts matter. Statistics are important. Unless you’re just a blind follower, sending money to Tannibal Lector only because he’s racist and bigoted like you are.
So please, don’t spend $495 on America’s most notorious con man. Do something better with it, instead. Take your wife out to dinner and a show. Buy something fun for your kids. Catch the next WWE wrasslin’ show with the bros when it comes to your local arena.
Do something for YOU. Not for Donald Trump. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. He only wants your money. And your vote, to help keep him out of prison. You can bet your ass that when he loses the election in November, he’s going to be made to answer for his many, many crimes.
Former prosecutor and our first female President Kamala Harris will see to that. And no, he won’t be selling “Trump-brand” license plates he’ll be making in prison on his website. The grift will finally end, right there.
© 2024 Jason Provencio. All rights reserved.
A couple of the funniest things I’ll probably read today… “You enrolled in Trump University and almost earned your degree in swamp-cooler maintenance.” And, then calling him Donny D-Cups! 🤣😂😆🤣😂😆
Hilarious!
I’ve been reading you every day, Jason. I like your style. Coming soon: golden diapers.